Man Make Fire

A collection of assorted thoughts, opinions, and recommendations on a variety of life’s issues ranging from politics to web use. I’m not qualified to make most of these assertions, but if that were the criteria for proposing ideas, then we’d rarely move forward. So on the strength of that reasoning (or excuse), here are a few ideas.

1. Stronger restrictions should be put in place to regulate the creation of companies’ musical jingles, especially for local business.

I don’t know how it would work – maybe a committee to determine whether the effectiveness outweighs the annoyance factor for each local ditty. And maybe these folks have to be elected. But they’re only allowed a $10 campaign budget, and they’re whittled down to about 20 by election. Then, we give them an IQ test, a character quality test (probably involving a lie detector), a social awareness test, and some sort of hip-ness test to reduce the number to ten. Maybe this is excessive and a bit Communist, but I’m just the idea man. Somebody else can turn this into a democratic process. This probably applies to all the ideas that follow as well.

2. There should be a cap on the number of reality TV shows that can be part of our programming at any time.

I’m only about 10% joking on this one. Ideally, they’d go through a similar quality check as described above. Scores can be given based on criteria like the following:

• Level of potential character-building, knowledge-building, and utility
• Level of anger/unrest provoked by 15-second commercial clips of the show (most non-HGTV shows would currently fail this test, and shows involving angry, gossipy wives and guys punching girls obviously fail this test)
• Level of connection to actual reality

Again, is this bordering on dictatorship? I respond with a paraphrasing of Abe Lincoln, assuming President Obama was correct in his State of the Union quote, which goes something like this: government should do only what the people cannot do better for themselves. Brilliant! Lincoln is a master of quotes, second only to Jesus and possibly Einstein. And we clearly cannot filter these things better for ourselves, evidenced by a quick browse of the TV Guide.

3. There should be a team of people who are authorized to tag up cars whose owners have intentionally double parked them.

I’m not talking about a slight crossing of the line by someone who was in a rush to get to a doctor’s appointment. I’m talking about people who straddle the divider lines as if they are the rail which carries kiddy trains around at an amusement park, with the goal of ensuring nobody blemishes their shiny new car.

The tagging material should be something that will wash off without damaging the car, but it should require significant effort on the part of the owner, to discourage this annoying practice.

I don’t own a shiny new car at the moment, although I do have a relatively new vehicle which was recently egged for no good reason. I might feel a little differently if my (hypothetical) freshly-painted ’66 Mustang was dinged a few times, but I hope that my stance on this wouldn’t change. So if you know me, you see that I’ve gotten a new car, and you see me doing this, I authorize you to tag up my car. But please follow protocol: nothing damaging, nothing permanent.

Lastly, here’s a solution proposal: businesses can build a few extra-wide parking spots for those who’d like (understandably) to protect their new toys, and charge a small fee for a permit to park in these spots. More profits for businesses. Peace of mind for protective car owners. A place to park for the rest of us. Win, win, win.

4. Anyone wishing to vote for elected officials should be required to first take a test that determines whether they’re qualified to do it.

The test needn’t be an evaluation of education level, or even of intelligence for that matter. It should simply ensure that we know a bit about the folks we’re voting for and what their stances are. This is a test that I’d currently fail. I’m resolved to become more aware, though I still have no desire to get “into politics.” A sample question:

Firsty Lasterson believes that acceptable methods of government-sanctioned torture include:

• Whipping
• Waterboarding
• Tickling
• Reciting Black-Eyed Peas lyrics without the music
• All of the above
• None of the above. Any method of torture is unacceptable.

5. There should be no option to vote “straight republican” or “straight democrat.”

You could still do it, but not with one flick of a pencil. The best case scenario is that we’d have to actually vote for individual people, and we’d be encouraged (but still not forced) to use our brains and judgment just a bit. The worst case scenario is that it’d be a small punishment for those who would normally vote strictly for a party – they’d have to spend the time to check each individual box.

Am I a hypocrite, not only in my actions vs my prose, but even within this article? Possibly, even though I tried to mention where I know I’m a failure. Am I doing that thing where I point out my own faults so that you can’t do it without sounding redundant? Absolutely.

Okay, enough with the politics.

6. Country singers should not be allowed to use R&B, “Gangster,” or Rap-born slang terms that have come about in the last ten years in their country songs.

Recent examples include the words “badonkadonk” and “bling.” Please feel free to use the words all you want in daily life. I, for example, use tons of words in speech that I would feel embarrassed to put in print, words which are not becoming to me or which I simply have no “right” (according to PC standards) to use. I do this under the sorta hipster guise (no, I’m not proud of that connection) of doing it satirically, but I use the words so often that it in reality it’s more than that: it has become a type of Friendspeak.

But would I sing these things in a song, and expect to be taken seriously? No. Unless I was covering a 90′s R&B song (which I quite enjoy, actually) – and that’s barely permissible, only because I’m not presenting them as my own words.

This one is riddled with hypocrisy. And these folks have achieved success, made plenty of money, and facilitated a good time for lots of people. I guess it just bothers me. Speaking of what bothers me…

7. The words “communist” and “socialist” should be used much more judiciously.

All the talk that is common in some circles about how ‘the government is trying to control every aspect of our life’ is getting really old. Maybe because of my ignorance, which I mentioned above, maybe because I’ve been hearing it for nearly 4 years, or maybe because I don’t think we’re ever going to be China. In any case, it has created a little time bomb in my head, and the word ‘communist’ is the trigger. So the uttering of this word could set off an explosion (figurative), and if you’re close enough that I’m within earshot, then there’s a good chance that you might get busted in the dome piece by some debris. Again, figuratively; I’m not a violent person.

Thus ends this edition of What’s Eating Derek Weathersbee?

I don’t think it should need to be said, but I’ll say it anyway: although what I write is based on at least something I believe, I write it only for the sake of humor and fun. I do many things, I’m sure, which are just as annoying or nonsensical as the things I’m criticizing. Like using the word “thus” in a meaningless post about things I like and dislike. Or using far too many parentheses (seriously, I’ve actually deleted about ten pair before publishing this). Or talking about parentheses. None of these things are issues that keep me up at night, or things which I plan to act on. That’s why I’m writing a silly blog post rather than penning letters to mayors or senators or trying to provoke an uprising.

If I could write a manual on how people should use Facebook, it would go something like the following. Yes, I’m sure I’ve broken these guidelines; I might even do so in this post, but I try not to make a habit of it.

Do not post obscure or vague statements fishing for sympathy or questions. If you want to say something, just say it.

Do not do things in your real life only so you can post about it on Facebook. (The same goes for Twitter.)

Do re-examine your life if every picture you post shows you with beer in hand.

If you must make political posts, don’t say the same things over and over. Don’t post an excerpt from Fox News or your liberal alternative every day with a smug remark. Preferably, just avoid it altogether. You probably already annoy your “friends” enough with your views in real life. Give them a break.

Do take at least a cursory glance at what you’ve typed before you submit it, to ensure that, even if your spelling is terrible, other people can at least translate what you’re trying to get across. Here is an overload of great examples of this, with hilarious and sometimes genius ways of pointing out such abuses of the English language.

Do not point out that I have a typo in this or another post, in response to the previous sentence (please). I’m not suggesting I’m perfect, but I think you at least get the gist of what I’m saying.

Do not accept friend requests from everyone who sends one.

Do not reveal your deepest feeling to your loved one only on Facebook. Turn your head and open your mouth, walk across the room, or pick up a phone. Facebook is a social tool; your statements go out to a society of people, so if this is your only method of communication, I’d say your motives are suspect.

There are no doubt many more of these to come, so a Part 2 is likely.

My sophomore post has nothing to do with art, design or music. That is, unless you consider extreme frugality, beyond the point of necessity, to be an art form. Today’s entry is dedicated to the many ways in which my family, and those of childhood friends, found to skimp on the essentials. It’s a testament to the fact that necessity breeds innovation; or, more fittingly, cheapskates make do with what they got.

Today’s post will be presented as a series of axioms. Perhaps the only people who will identify with me here are my brothers and close friends. But let’s give it a go. I present to you the basics of Growing up Cheap.

Coffee filters and toilet paper are interchangeable.

Essential. So essential. This one seems self-explanatory to me, but maybe that’s because I was raised in a house of cheapos. What this means is that if you start to brew your delicious morning pot of coffee, only to discover that you have no filters, you simply lay a few layers of toilet paper across the basket, throw your coffee in, and you’re golden. And conversely, if you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of needing to do your morning business, and toilet paper is MIA, just grab a little stack of coffee filters. Comfy? No. Effective? Indeed.

Knob, Schmob. Grab the Pliers.

If ever a nob or accessory for a radio, air conditioner, or household appliance breaks or becomes lost, buying a new one is simply not an option. Grab some pliers, channel locks, a crescent wrench, or whatever you’ve got, and latch them onto the nub where the knob once resided. Growing up, our air conditioner was operated in this way for years at a time.

Water + Coffee Creamer = Milk

Doesn’t it suck to pour a bowl of hearty cereal only to discover that there is no milk in your fridge. No need to worry if you’re a coffee-drinking family. Just mix a cup of cold water with a few spoonfuls of coffee creamer, and enjoy your Crisp Rice.

Crisp Rice = Rice Krispies

Very rarely would you find brand name food items or sundries in our pantries. Ever heard of Sure Savings sugar? Instead of Rice Krispies, we had Crisp Rice. Instead of Lucky Charms, it was Marshmallow Maties. In short, find the box of name brand cereal you want, and then grab the bagged version below it on the bottom shelf. These were reasonable substitutes, other than the fact that they became soggy a little quicker. The one food substitution that I’d fight is Dr Thunder in place of Dr Pepper. The difference is very noticeable there.

Sauce Pan + Ladel = Coffee Pot

I suspect this one might require a little explanation. There were six people in my house growing up (sometimes more), 5 of which are and were heavy coffee drinkers. So we went through quite a few coffee makers. As a house full of boys, the glass coffee pot ( or carafe for the fancier reader ) never lasted too long. But did we buy a replacement? Of course not. You just find the most appropriately sized sauce pan and lay it on the hot plate. Of course, the pan doesn’t fit in the grooves, so once the brewing is done, you turn the stove burner on 2-3 and move the pan over. Then, you use the biggest ladle you own to serve up your morning cup. Sounds ridiculous, but I literally remember doing this for years at a time.

Water the Air Conditioner

I’m not sure if this is a common experience or not. My childhood home was and still is cooled by a window unit, which normally runs using water fed to it through a small hose. But for some reason, this was not how ours worked. Instead, a few times a day, we’d go out, grab the water hose, and spend about ten minutes soaking the outer panels so the unit would blow cold air for a few more hours.

Cabinet Doors Are Just One More Step Between You and Peanut Butter

Again, as a gang of rough-housing boys ( I suppose this is the reason? ), there were several cabinets in the house whose doors become broken and lost. These doors were never replaced unless a complete rebuilding of a room took place, which happened only once as I remember. There is a cabinet door in our kitchen that was broken when I was about ten years old (I’m now 26) at the latest; it is still missing.

Powerade Bottle = Football

This one is a little baffling even to me, but I was a witness throughout my middle school years to a daily game of Powerade football. For some reason, we weren’t provided with any sort of real sports equipment or source of entertainment during recess. So, in the familiar spirit of resourcefulness, a Powerade bottle was filled with rocks or water and tossed around in a serious game of football. This happened every day. Yet still no football was provided. Maybe that’s part of the reason there were so many sixth graders already smoking the reefer.

Yahtzee is Not a Board Game

It therefore should not be purchased in a box. There should be no cups involved, unless it’s holding iced tea or beer. Come on, who rolls dice out of a cup? And pre-made score pads? A waste of money. My family has played more games of Yahtzee than 99.9% of families on earth. And I can tell you confidently that the only necessary components are five dice, a pen, and any sort of paper you can find. Notebook paper is nice though.

Soccer Ball = Basketball

We had two recesses per day in elementary school. My friends and I like to play basketball, but of course we were not provided with one. We did, however, have a soccer ball for some reason. Although it doesn’t bounce very well, that would make a reasonable substitute, assuming you have a basketball goal…

Monkey Bars = Basketball Goal

No, we did not have a basketball court or even a goal to play on. But we did have monkey bars. So the rectangular holes between bars became our basket. There are about twelve holes; so which one does it have to go in? Any of them! Come on, we’re bouncing a slippery soccer ball in the dirt. Give us a break.

If You Don’t Have Enough Gear, Make Up a New Sport

I’ve already given an example of this practice. But it didn’t stop in middle school. Dozens of obscure sports were born out of our lack of sufficient equipment, the most recent of these being Relay Tennis. The family was visiting my wife and I at our apartment, where tennis courts lay right across the parking lot. My dad and a couple brothers headed over to the courts with me carrying only two racquets. Did we take turns? No way! We partnered up and tossed the racquet back and forth to our partners between returns. It’s a pretty tough feat, especially when the opposers slam a return back quickly.

Bicycles Are 2-Person Traveling Devices: Give Me a Pump!

If you’ve got two people and one bike, both of them will get to the destination on the same bike. One rides on the seat, and the other rides on the handlebars – also known as getting a “pump.” It’s quite a balancing act starting out, but was a necessary skill growing up.

Stove = Water Heater

Our trailer house was sufficient for our family of six ( the four of us shared a room ). This number often increased, though, as other family members needed a temporary abode. The number of people around, combined with our small, hard-water-affected water heater, meant that the last several people in line had to take a cold shower. But cold showers suck! So we discovered an alternative for the times when the ice cold water was more than we could take. You partially fill up the tub with the lukewarm-to-cold water that’s left, and then fill up the four biggest pots you own with water and set them on the stove. Bring them to a nice boil, and then pour them into the tub. This should bring the bath to a nice, bearable temperature. If not, just repeat the boiling process as many times as necessary.

When the Mercury Drops Below 32, Keep the Hair Dryer Handy

I blame this one on the designer of trailer homes. The water heater and connected water lines sit in a closet accessible from outside. On cold days, the only thing between the heater and the often frigid outside air is a thin, fiber board door. As you’d suspect, our water lines were frozen about a dozen times a year. So to speed the thawing process and get the water flowing, we took turns warming the lines with a hair dryer in 15 to 20 minute shifts.

Wire Hanger = Antenna

No explanation needed here. This seems pretty universal, and just narrowly earned inclusion on this list.

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The mindset behind all these conventions is an ongoing point of contention between my wife and I. She wasn’t raised in quite the same way as I was, and finds many of my solutions irrational. So the idea is that at some point, we can find a happy medium between our vastly different takes on resourcefulness. We actually had a breakthrough when we broke our first coffee pot; my saucepan / ladle method was employed temporarily. My goal, however, is to arrange a situation that requires her to adopt my toilet paper / coffee filter logic…and I’m not referring to brewing a pot.